Monday, October 25, 2004
All Aboard!
Is there anything more annoying than bandwagon fans? I don't think so. Here's a scene I observed at Lids, a hat store in the Glendale Galleria, with my comments in italics.
Middle Aged White Guy With Thick Beverly Hills Accent (to salesperson): Excuse me, do you have a Boston Red Sox hat?
Salesperson (leading him to the MLB hats): Yeah, sure. Do you want the one they wear on the field?
Guy: Yeah, whatever's the most authentic.
How 'bout I give you an authentic ass-whooping.
Salesperson (holding up Boston hat): Here ya go.
Guy: Is that it there?
Um, yeah, that's it. The blue hat with the great big red "B" on it. I know it's changed a lot in 200 years so I'm not surprised even a die hard fan like yourself didn't recognize it.
Salesperson: What size?
Guy: Large.
Large?! Are you kidding me? Not only have you never seen a Red Sox hat before, but you've never even had a baseball cap! Large?! Seven and a half! Seven and three eighths, man! Never Large! You gonna wear your Large over to McDonald's and order a venti diet coke?! I loathe bandwagon fans!
It's official, the Red Sox are as trendy as Von Dutch.
Speaking of bandwagoneers, how long has Tom Hanks held residency in Red Sox Nation? Could it be as long as they've been American League Champs? If you missed it, Hanks was spotted at Fenway during last night's game sporting a Red Sox hat (we think it was a Large). When asked about it, The Man With One Red Shoe replied that he was "an American League fan." Uh huh, sure ya are. Gotta love that DH. So he's climbing on the wagon, but at least he's still got one foot on the ground. Because he gave me Jimmy Dugan, Josh Baskin, and Forrest Gump, I will forgive him. Besides, nothing could be worse than John Travolta teleporting himself into Game Seven of the 2002 World Series and hugging with Jackie Autry when the Angels won. His presence there could not have been more conspicuous and awkward if he came in on a zipline during "God Bless America." I think he said he was there because he was a fan of "teams that begin with the letter 'A.'"
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Did everybody see Ashlee Simpson take a virtual nosedive on SNL this weekend? If you missed it, her band began playing one song, when suddenly a recorded track of her voice singing a different song began playing while she still held the microphone at her side. Like the consummate professional she is, she recovered by performing a half-hearted square dance of some kind before walking off stage. The best part was at the end of the show when she apologized and laughingly explained that her "band started playing the wrong song." Funny, I didn't know the guy who played the recorded vocal while the blonde twit lip synchs was actually considered part of "the band." This yarn ranks right up there with the one about how Sammy Sosa accidentally used a corked batting practice bat in a game.
Seriously though, I can forgive lip synching, but I cannot overlook shameless attempts to pin blame on your bandmates. Maybe she should hang out with Cal's Aaron Rodgers.
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Middle Aged White Guy With Thick Beverly Hills Accent (to salesperson): Excuse me, do you have a Boston Red Sox hat?
Salesperson (leading him to the MLB hats): Yeah, sure. Do you want the one they wear on the field?
Guy: Yeah, whatever's the most authentic.
How 'bout I give you an authentic ass-whooping.
Salesperson (holding up Boston hat): Here ya go.
Guy: Is that it there?
Um, yeah, that's it. The blue hat with the great big red "B" on it. I know it's changed a lot in 200 years so I'm not surprised even a die hard fan like yourself didn't recognize it.
Salesperson: What size?
Guy: Large.
Large?! Are you kidding me? Not only have you never seen a Red Sox hat before, but you've never even had a baseball cap! Large?! Seven and a half! Seven and three eighths, man! Never Large! You gonna wear your Large over to McDonald's and order a venti diet coke?! I loathe bandwagon fans!
It's official, the Red Sox are as trendy as Von Dutch.
Speaking of bandwagoneers, how long has Tom Hanks held residency in Red Sox Nation? Could it be as long as they've been American League Champs? If you missed it, Hanks was spotted at Fenway during last night's game sporting a Red Sox hat (we think it was a Large). When asked about it, The Man With One Red Shoe replied that he was "an American League fan." Uh huh, sure ya are. Gotta love that DH. So he's climbing on the wagon, but at least he's still got one foot on the ground. Because he gave me Jimmy Dugan, Josh Baskin, and Forrest Gump, I will forgive him. Besides, nothing could be worse than John Travolta teleporting himself into Game Seven of the 2002 World Series and hugging with Jackie Autry when the Angels won. His presence there could not have been more conspicuous and awkward if he came in on a zipline during "God Bless America." I think he said he was there because he was a fan of "teams that begin with the letter 'A.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did everybody see Ashlee Simpson take a virtual nosedive on SNL this weekend? If you missed it, her band began playing one song, when suddenly a recorded track of her voice singing a different song began playing while she still held the microphone at her side. Like the consummate professional she is, she recovered by performing a half-hearted square dance of some kind before walking off stage. The best part was at the end of the show when she apologized and laughingly explained that her "band started playing the wrong song." Funny, I didn't know the guy who played the recorded vocal while the blonde twit lip synchs was actually considered part of "the band." This yarn ranks right up there with the one about how Sammy Sosa accidentally used a corked batting practice bat in a game.
Seriously though, I can forgive lip synching, but I cannot overlook shameless attempts to pin blame on your bandmates. Maybe she should hang out with Cal's Aaron Rodgers.
# posted by j.h.k. @ 1:31 PM 
