Thursday, September 09, 2004
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Shaq's Message Diluted by Medium
Now we can call him The Big Passive-Aggressive.
Rather than talk to Kobe Bryant face-to-face (or face-to-forehead as it would be) or call him up on the telephone, the recently traded Shaquille O'Neal has chosen to express his bitterness for his former teammate through song. On the soon to be released "You Not The Fightin' Type"(is that what they call "country grammar?"), Shaq makes a dig against a Cincinnati DJ by saying, "Even with wings, you never as fly as me. You remind me of Kobe Bryant trying to be as high as me, but you can't. Even if you get me traded, wherever I'm at, I'm Puffy; you Ma$e and you're still hated."
Well, move over Emily Dickinson.
First of all, Shaq is just a terrible rapper. I believe that we all need our hobbies and, hey, if he can make a little coin off it, who am I to tell him no. But Shaq has not just released a few CDs; he's actually gone so far as to release a greatest hits album. Where was I when "Shoot Pass Slam" and "Biological Didn't Bother" became "hits" (thank you, amazon.com)? Although he's applied the same standards to his off-season training regimen for years, to call these recordings "hits" is like me doing karoake and then releasing it as my "live album." I credit Shaq for recruiting such talent as Keith Murray and Method Man to make lyrical contributions , but as far as his own rapping goes, the only thing he might do worse is shoot freethrows. If Shaq is going to be using his raps to make his snaps (did I just make a "hit?") on Kobe, he's making fun of himself in the process.
I don't expect Kobe Bryant to respond to Shaq's snipes with a rap, a poem, or an interpretive dance. While Kobe did record a rap album that was never released, he's always been the more mature of the two stars. Obviously, Kobe's hotel etiquette leaves a lot to be desired, but on the court and in the locker room, Kobe has consistently conducted himself with greater poise and professionalism. He doesn't cuss on live broadcasts, he doesn't complain about his teammates to the press, and he doesn't give himself nicknames. Shaq is a big child and that's why Los Angeles loved him more (don't talk to me about jersey sales), but that's also why he pouts and releases sucker-punch rap singles after the fact. A true sportsman and a true competitor would hold his breath, hit the weightroom, and count down the days until the Miami Heat face the Los Angeles Lakers on a basketball court. Kobe--again,in the basketball world--is without a doubt, one of these such players. He might cut out Shaq's quote about him or even buy the CD, but you can bet he'll wait until that Christmas Day game to make any kind of derogatory rebuttal. It's a simple difference between Trash Talk Players and Scoreboard Players.
I've actually been inspired by Shaq's willingness to expose himself to us artistically. I think I might like to try a little rhyming myself...and now, from my forthcoming debut/greatest hits album, here's a sample of the smash single "It's Already Been Brought It."
"You got bounced outta town but I'll be here for a while. Jerry Buss calls me his son so I guess that makes you The Big Stepchild. We'll see if LA misses you more than Darius Miles...So you lost some weight now; I see you can when you want to. Finally worked out over the summer like you are supposed to...Alright Big Mouth, I'll see you in The Finals. I'll beat you in four so you can get back to selling vinyl."
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Rather than talk to Kobe Bryant face-to-face (or face-to-forehead as it would be) or call him up on the telephone, the recently traded Shaquille O'Neal has chosen to express his bitterness for his former teammate through song. On the soon to be released "You Not The Fightin' Type"(is that what they call "country grammar?"), Shaq makes a dig against a Cincinnati DJ by saying, "Even with wings, you never as fly as me. You remind me of Kobe Bryant trying to be as high as me, but you can't. Even if you get me traded, wherever I'm at, I'm Puffy; you Ma$e and you're still hated."
Well, move over Emily Dickinson.
First of all, Shaq is just a terrible rapper. I believe that we all need our hobbies and, hey, if he can make a little coin off it, who am I to tell him no. But Shaq has not just released a few CDs; he's actually gone so far as to release a greatest hits album. Where was I when "Shoot Pass Slam" and "Biological Didn't Bother" became "hits" (thank you, amazon.com)? Although he's applied the same standards to his off-season training regimen for years, to call these recordings "hits" is like me doing karoake and then releasing it as my "live album." I credit Shaq for recruiting such talent as Keith Murray and Method Man to make lyrical contributions , but as far as his own rapping goes, the only thing he might do worse is shoot freethrows. If Shaq is going to be using his raps to make his snaps (did I just make a "hit?") on Kobe, he's making fun of himself in the process.
I don't expect Kobe Bryant to respond to Shaq's snipes with a rap, a poem, or an interpretive dance. While Kobe did record a rap album that was never released, he's always been the more mature of the two stars. Obviously, Kobe's hotel etiquette leaves a lot to be desired, but on the court and in the locker room, Kobe has consistently conducted himself with greater poise and professionalism. He doesn't cuss on live broadcasts, he doesn't complain about his teammates to the press, and he doesn't give himself nicknames. Shaq is a big child and that's why Los Angeles loved him more (don't talk to me about jersey sales), but that's also why he pouts and releases sucker-punch rap singles after the fact. A true sportsman and a true competitor would hold his breath, hit the weightroom, and count down the days until the Miami Heat face the Los Angeles Lakers on a basketball court. Kobe--again,in the basketball world--is without a doubt, one of these such players. He might cut out Shaq's quote about him or even buy the CD, but you can bet he'll wait until that Christmas Day game to make any kind of derogatory rebuttal. It's a simple difference between Trash Talk Players and Scoreboard Players.
I've actually been inspired by Shaq's willingness to expose himself to us artistically. I think I might like to try a little rhyming myself...and now, from my forthcoming debut/greatest hits album, here's a sample of the smash single "It's Already Been Brought It."
"You got bounced outta town but I'll be here for a while. Jerry Buss calls me his son so I guess that makes you The Big Stepchild. We'll see if LA misses you more than Darius Miles...So you lost some weight now; I see you can when you want to. Finally worked out over the summer like you are supposed to...Alright Big Mouth, I'll see you in The Finals. I'll beat you in four so you can get back to selling vinyl."
# posted by j.h.k. @ 1:12 PM 
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
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Tea or No Tea, It's a Party in Boston This Season
Let me make this as clear as possible. I don't like the Red Sox and I have an even greater distaste for the so-called Red Sox Nation. However, even though I often find them both borderline intolerable, I must admit they are the most colorful team in the game today and their fans are consistently the wittiest. The same organization that spawned the infamous "25 taxis for 25 players" teams has now found itself with one of sports' great comraderies.
I'll admit, I have not seen every team in the league this year, but I think it's safe to say that the Red Sox players have a truly unique chemistry in their dugout. Whether it's Derek Lowe wearing a ridiculous wig or Manny and Pedro doing a home run celebratory game of pattycake, the Red Sox seem to be all smiles. Sure, when you're the hottest team in the league you've got a lot to smile about, but it goes beyond that. It's not always about a great play that just occurred on the field; you watch their dugout and you get the impression that these guys have a special bond. It's like those times we've all had hanging out with our lifelong pals where even the worst or most boring of situations becomes a male gigglefest. Rather than subplots of players maintaining they only have to get along on the field a la Kobe and Shaq, you have stories of guys in the clubhouse helping each other to show their true personalities to the media. The Red Sox dugout becomes more of a frat house than an office building. They seem to be truly enjoying the game and each other rather than living the mantra of "going to work" and "taking care of business." Such a fun-loving dynamic is especially remarkable given the heartbreak they suffered last season, losing to the rival Yankees in Game Seven on Aaron Boone's walk-off home run. The 2004 Red Sox appear completely unaffected by that disappointment now and their fans, while still wary of impending doom this season, seem to be feeding off it.
While the "chowdaw" accent usually puts them over the top, the way Red Sox fans revere every player or person affiliated with the organization like they were an old pal from the "neighbaw-hood" is actually quite endearing. My colleague, Joe Lederer, is a proud Red Sox fan (I will NOT say "Nation") and he was kind enough to provide me with a list of nicknames he and his fellow fans commonly use for their beloved Sox.
Pitcher Bronson Arroyo is referred to as "Death Wish."
Staff ace Pedro Martinez sports a relaxed jerry-curl and is aptly described as "Sexual Chocolate."
They call the phonetically defiant Doug Mientkiewicz simply "eyechart."
Not even third base coach Dave Sveum is ignored. Notorious for sending runners home when they have no chance of scoring, fans dub him "Send 'Em Home Sveum" and "The Windmill."
Annoying as the creators may be, their material is undeniably clever. While the Red Sox Following has been around since Dan Shaughnessy's hair was in style or longer, it has been given new life by its current civilian leader, espn.com Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons a.k.a. "The Sports Guy." Since his debut as the "Boston Sports Guy" on espn.com in April 2001, Simmons' down-to-earth, pop-culture influenced writing style and die hard dedication to the Red Sox has brought him a fan base almost as great as the team itself. If Red Sox Nation (there I said it) were a religion, Bill Simmons would be its off-the-field Messiah. He never misses a play and will not hesitate to devote 400 words to the team if he feels passionately about something. Simmons refers to his dad and his buddies with such frequency and affection that you feel like you know them or might have hung out with them some time. As a passionate and entertaining writer, he gives a voice and an always-smiling face to a community of fans that branches out far from its roots in Boston. He's the type of guy, as Seinfeld showed us, that men get "non-sexual crushes" on. He's one of my favorite writers and I can admit that, as an Angel fan, I'm jealous of his affection for the damn Red Sox. With Simmons at the reigns and Red Sox players hauling the cart, Red Sox Nation is sure to be rolling on for quite some time.
Let me reiterate that I am neither a fan of the Boston Red Sox nor of their fiercely loyal fanbase. I bleed Angel red...or whatever the team color is at the moment. However, there is something tangibly special about this the team from Beantown and I thought it deserved mentioning. Whether you're a fan or not, it will be interesting to see how far that bubbly chemistry (and ungodly good hitting) can carry them into the postseason.
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I'll admit, I have not seen every team in the league this year, but I think it's safe to say that the Red Sox players have a truly unique chemistry in their dugout. Whether it's Derek Lowe wearing a ridiculous wig or Manny and Pedro doing a home run celebratory game of pattycake, the Red Sox seem to be all smiles. Sure, when you're the hottest team in the league you've got a lot to smile about, but it goes beyond that. It's not always about a great play that just occurred on the field; you watch their dugout and you get the impression that these guys have a special bond. It's like those times we've all had hanging out with our lifelong pals where even the worst or most boring of situations becomes a male gigglefest. Rather than subplots of players maintaining they only have to get along on the field a la Kobe and Shaq, you have stories of guys in the clubhouse helping each other to show their true personalities to the media. The Red Sox dugout becomes more of a frat house than an office building. They seem to be truly enjoying the game and each other rather than living the mantra of "going to work" and "taking care of business." Such a fun-loving dynamic is especially remarkable given the heartbreak they suffered last season, losing to the rival Yankees in Game Seven on Aaron Boone's walk-off home run. The 2004 Red Sox appear completely unaffected by that disappointment now and their fans, while still wary of impending doom this season, seem to be feeding off it.
While the "chowdaw" accent usually puts them over the top, the way Red Sox fans revere every player or person affiliated with the organization like they were an old pal from the "neighbaw-hood" is actually quite endearing. My colleague, Joe Lederer, is a proud Red Sox fan (I will NOT say "Nation") and he was kind enough to provide me with a list of nicknames he and his fellow fans commonly use for their beloved Sox.
Pitcher Bronson Arroyo is referred to as "Death Wish."
Staff ace Pedro Martinez sports a relaxed jerry-curl and is aptly described as "Sexual Chocolate."
They call the phonetically defiant Doug Mientkiewicz simply "eyechart."
Not even third base coach Dave Sveum is ignored. Notorious for sending runners home when they have no chance of scoring, fans dub him "Send 'Em Home Sveum" and "The Windmill."
Annoying as the creators may be, their material is undeniably clever. While the Red Sox Following has been around since Dan Shaughnessy's hair was in style or longer, it has been given new life by its current civilian leader, espn.com Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons a.k.a. "The Sports Guy." Since his debut as the "Boston Sports Guy" on espn.com in April 2001, Simmons' down-to-earth, pop-culture influenced writing style and die hard dedication to the Red Sox has brought him a fan base almost as great as the team itself. If Red Sox Nation (there I said it) were a religion, Bill Simmons would be its off-the-field Messiah. He never misses a play and will not hesitate to devote 400 words to the team if he feels passionately about something. Simmons refers to his dad and his buddies with such frequency and affection that you feel like you know them or might have hung out with them some time. As a passionate and entertaining writer, he gives a voice and an always-smiling face to a community of fans that branches out far from its roots in Boston. He's the type of guy, as Seinfeld showed us, that men get "non-sexual crushes" on. He's one of my favorite writers and I can admit that, as an Angel fan, I'm jealous of his affection for the damn Red Sox. With Simmons at the reigns and Red Sox players hauling the cart, Red Sox Nation is sure to be rolling on for quite some time.
Let me reiterate that I am neither a fan of the Boston Red Sox nor of their fiercely loyal fanbase. I bleed Angel red...or whatever the team color is at the moment. However, there is something tangibly special about this the team from Beantown and I thought it deserved mentioning. Whether you're a fan or not, it will be interesting to see how far that bubbly chemistry (and ungodly good hitting) can carry them into the postseason.
# posted by j.h.k. @ 1:30 PM
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
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Yankee Brass Tries to Surf the Wake of Frances
Since the New York Yankees have had such a difficult time winning games on the field lately, they're now trying to win games without having to actually play them. With the surging Red Sox getting ever closer in their rearview mirror, the Yankees, perhaps the proudest franchise in all of sports, made a despicably insensitive move on Monday, requesting that the Commissioner's Office forfeit a game in their favor because the Tampa Bay Devil Rays did not show up in time to play it. By the way, the D-Rays missed their scheduled flight out of Tampa because of that tiny little storm they had down there called Hurricane Frances.
Yankees president Randy Levine and general manager Brian Cashman held a press conference on the field to ask for the forfeit, citing a major league rule stating that such a forfeit may be called if a team isn't ready to play due to anything but an "unavoidable" delay. Tell me Randy and Cash-man, if you missed a flight because you were stuck on a bridge blocked with debris caused by a natural disaster, would you classify that as "unavoidable?" What would you have preferred the D-Rays do, jump out and hitchhike?
"There were plenty of opportunities to get out of Tampa on Saturday," explained Randy "The Machine" Levine.
While that possibility remains unconfirmed (the D-Rays say they couldn't get a charter), does it really make a difference? Should these players and coaches be expected to leave their families in the mouth of madness on Saturday for a baseball game scheduled on Monday? That's absurd. Hurricane Frances claimed fifteen lives across three states, but that's hardly as important as a doubleheader at Yankee Stadium, I guess. According to CNN, the areas of Florida evacuated for Frances represented 86% of the state's population, but who cares, right? The Yanks wanna play two! Or do they...
After the Yankees' recent freefall, including a 22-nothing loss, and capped off by their best pitcher putting himself on the DL by punching a defenseless wall, I believe this move to be motivated by fear from the front office. The second-place Red Sox gained eight games on the Almighty Yankees in August and many in the baseball world have been waiting for their owner to go nuclear with his reaction. Well, George "I'll take my ball and go home" Steinbrenner can't buy Randy Johnson to save his team so he's seeing if he can't worm his way to a win with political maneuvering. Thankfully, Commissioner Bud Selig indicated that he could not. Benevolent Bud reaffirmed the principles of competition Monday by saying it was critical that "we do everything to decide the championship on the field." Sorry Georgie Porgie, you're gonna have to earn this thing.
In a related story, following their 22-0 loss to the Indians, Steinbrenner ordered a sign be displayed at Yankee Stadium facing out to the public. It reads "Winners never quit, quitters never win." And they said Steinbrenner would never understand the concept of irony! At press time, there were no confirmed reports of that sign being amended to read: Winners never quit, quitters never win, but at this point, we'll take a win any way we can.
I give the Yankee players the benefit of the doubt. I am sure, being professional sportsmen and competitors, that they would always prefer to get their wins with pitching, hitting, and defense rather than with a rule book and a magnifying glass. Unfortunately, while they used the extra time for rest and batting practice, their counterparts in cufflinks disgraced their team by attempting to sucker punch their already ailing opponents. Can you imagine if a team asked the Yankees to forfeit a game following September 11th? I sure can't which is why I find the Yankees request for Tampa Bay to do so in the wake of Hurricane Frances to be utterly deplorable.
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Yankees president Randy Levine and general manager Brian Cashman held a press conference on the field to ask for the forfeit, citing a major league rule stating that such a forfeit may be called if a team isn't ready to play due to anything but an "unavoidable" delay. Tell me Randy and Cash-man, if you missed a flight because you were stuck on a bridge blocked with debris caused by a natural disaster, would you classify that as "unavoidable?" What would you have preferred the D-Rays do, jump out and hitchhike?
"There were plenty of opportunities to get out of Tampa on Saturday," explained Randy "The Machine" Levine.
While that possibility remains unconfirmed (the D-Rays say they couldn't get a charter), does it really make a difference? Should these players and coaches be expected to leave their families in the mouth of madness on Saturday for a baseball game scheduled on Monday? That's absurd. Hurricane Frances claimed fifteen lives across three states, but that's hardly as important as a doubleheader at Yankee Stadium, I guess. According to CNN, the areas of Florida evacuated for Frances represented 86% of the state's population, but who cares, right? The Yanks wanna play two! Or do they...
After the Yankees' recent freefall, including a 22-nothing loss, and capped off by their best pitcher putting himself on the DL by punching a defenseless wall, I believe this move to be motivated by fear from the front office. The second-place Red Sox gained eight games on the Almighty Yankees in August and many in the baseball world have been waiting for their owner to go nuclear with his reaction. Well, George "I'll take my ball and go home" Steinbrenner can't buy Randy Johnson to save his team so he's seeing if he can't worm his way to a win with political maneuvering. Thankfully, Commissioner Bud Selig indicated that he could not. Benevolent Bud reaffirmed the principles of competition Monday by saying it was critical that "we do everything to decide the championship on the field." Sorry Georgie Porgie, you're gonna have to earn this thing.
In a related story, following their 22-0 loss to the Indians, Steinbrenner ordered a sign be displayed at Yankee Stadium facing out to the public. It reads "Winners never quit, quitters never win." And they said Steinbrenner would never understand the concept of irony! At press time, there were no confirmed reports of that sign being amended to read: Winners never quit, quitters never win, but at this point, we'll take a win any way we can.
I give the Yankee players the benefit of the doubt. I am sure, being professional sportsmen and competitors, that they would always prefer to get their wins with pitching, hitting, and defense rather than with a rule book and a magnifying glass. Unfortunately, while they used the extra time for rest and batting practice, their counterparts in cufflinks disgraced their team by attempting to sucker punch their already ailing opponents. Can you imagine if a team asked the Yankees to forfeit a game following September 11th? I sure can't which is why I find the Yankees request for Tampa Bay to do so in the wake of Hurricane Frances to be utterly deplorable.
# posted by j.h.k. @ 1:22 PM
