Thursday, January 06, 2005
Of Love And Sports (Part 1)
Every heterosexual man in America wishes his wife or girlfriend was a sportsfan. The concept seems like a grown man's unicorn, doesn't it? Beautiful, mythically intriguing, so crisp in one's imagination and yet it does not exist in real life. Remember Eleanor from "Gone in 60 Seconds?" She was the one car that stood out above all others and yet it was the one car Nick Cage could never steal. Doesn't that kind of fit the average single guy's love life, you find a woman with everything you're looking for...except a love for sports. She's gorgeous, intelligent, down-to-earth and thinks you're the funniest man in the world, but she just doesn't get how you can sit through a three-hour baseball game. It's the one elusive quality that makes all dateable women come up just short of perfection.
Just imagine the possibilities. Instead of losing hair trying to figure out how you can postpone dinner and a movie until ten o'clock when the game is over, all you would have to do is agree on where you're going to watch said game.
"Honey, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night and then catch the new Hugh Grant movie?" a whipped (wise) man would ask.
"Are you kidding? The Angels are in a friggin' pennant race and you wanna talk about Hugh Grant? Let's go to The National and watch the game."
I mean, can you even fathom the unbridled joy of that conversation? And that's just the beginning. It would mean having a timeout from all social and relationship etiquette any time a game is on the line. For example, there was an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in Season One where Larry gets in trouble with his wife because he doesn't pay enough attention to her when she happens to return from a trip during the last two minutes of a football game. She tortures him with cold silence the rest of the night and he finds himself in a damn jewelry store the next day having to buy his way out of it.
Let's rewind that scene and play it again only this time Larry's wife is a sportsfan...Suddenly, the front door flies open and a madwoman comes barreling through into the living room. For a half a second, Larry thinks he's the victim of home invasion until he realizes he's legally bound to the intruder.
"Turn it to channel 7! Turn it to channel 7!" she screams.
She dives onto the couch without giving Larry so much as a glance. Does he care? Of course not; there's two minutes left in the damn game!
"What a comeback," she adds, "Did you see the catch at the end of the 3rd?! I heard it on the radio and it even sounded incredible!"
In five minutes of real time, the game is over, a winner is decided, and Larry and his wife exchange pleasantries.
Isn't that how these things should really work? So why can't they? Why can't women love sports as much as we do? Better yet, why can't they even understand how much we love sports? If she doesn't want to watch the game, that's fine; I'll settle for a woman not giving me flack because I do. I would bet you a new set of snow tires that if the rate of women who loved sports were to rise significantly, the divorce rate in America would consequently nosedive. The football quiz Steve Guttenberg gives his fiance in "Diner" would no longer be an outrageous, comedic notion; it would be as common as a bachelor party. Couples wouldn't just remember "our first Christmas," they'd fawn over "our first Superbowl." Not to mention the fact that you would never once have to hear this comment from a girlfriend or wife ever again: "we never just talk anymore."
If man and woman both loved sports, they'd never shut up! They'd have conversations more interesting than a David Mamet movie with French subtitles! Rather than the normal trap of "Sweetie, do you think I'm as skinny as I was when we met?" you'd have a goldmine of questions like "If you and I were on the same team, where we would bat in the order, respectively?" and "If we were a QB-WR combo, who would we be?" The essence of these questions is as relevant to a relationship as "Where do you see this going?" but look how much more interesting they become when they are in the context of sports. And that's just the dinner/coffee banter. The sexual innuendos would tip the scales.
"How's the arm, ace? Think you can give me a complete game tonight?"
"Baby, let's play two."
"Are you a power back or a finesse back?"
"Girl, I'm like the '88 Raiders. I can juke like Marcus Allen and stiff-arm like Bo Jackson."
We all know about Make-Up Sex, but can you grasp the earth-shattering lovemaking that would follow a mutually enjoyed Game 7 in the Bronx?! World Series Sex! The Rams-Titans Superbowl would have brought us The Greatest Sex On Turf! And it works both ways, the delirium and the misery. Say you and your woman have just seen your team swept out of the playoffs by your archrival. You're both going to feel like dirt, but at least you won't have to explain it to each other. You can piss and moan and cry in your beers together. Well, you can cry in your beer and she can cry in her cosmopolitan. You get my point.
If women loved sports, men would have no reason to lie, cheat, or steal. Okay, so that's going too far, but is there any doubt that we'd live longer and happier lives, both literally and in our relationships with women? It's actually cruel to even entertain such questions because even the most hopeful of young men realize one simple truth, dateable women will never love sports.
Consider this Part One on the subject, The Pros. Part Two will be, you guessed it, The Cons. In the meantime, tawk amongst yourselves.
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Just imagine the possibilities. Instead of losing hair trying to figure out how you can postpone dinner and a movie until ten o'clock when the game is over, all you would have to do is agree on where you're going to watch said game.
"Honey, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night and then catch the new Hugh Grant movie?" a whipped (wise) man would ask.
"Are you kidding? The Angels are in a friggin' pennant race and you wanna talk about Hugh Grant? Let's go to The National and watch the game."
I mean, can you even fathom the unbridled joy of that conversation? And that's just the beginning. It would mean having a timeout from all social and relationship etiquette any time a game is on the line. For example, there was an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in Season One where Larry gets in trouble with his wife because he doesn't pay enough attention to her when she happens to return from a trip during the last two minutes of a football game. She tortures him with cold silence the rest of the night and he finds himself in a damn jewelry store the next day having to buy his way out of it.
Let's rewind that scene and play it again only this time Larry's wife is a sportsfan...Suddenly, the front door flies open and a madwoman comes barreling through into the living room. For a half a second, Larry thinks he's the victim of home invasion until he realizes he's legally bound to the intruder.
"Turn it to channel 7! Turn it to channel 7!" she screams.
She dives onto the couch without giving Larry so much as a glance. Does he care? Of course not; there's two minutes left in the damn game!
"What a comeback," she adds, "Did you see the catch at the end of the 3rd?! I heard it on the radio and it even sounded incredible!"
In five minutes of real time, the game is over, a winner is decided, and Larry and his wife exchange pleasantries.
Isn't that how these things should really work? So why can't they? Why can't women love sports as much as we do? Better yet, why can't they even understand how much we love sports? If she doesn't want to watch the game, that's fine; I'll settle for a woman not giving me flack because I do. I would bet you a new set of snow tires that if the rate of women who loved sports were to rise significantly, the divorce rate in America would consequently nosedive. The football quiz Steve Guttenberg gives his fiance in "Diner" would no longer be an outrageous, comedic notion; it would be as common as a bachelor party. Couples wouldn't just remember "our first Christmas," they'd fawn over "our first Superbowl." Not to mention the fact that you would never once have to hear this comment from a girlfriend or wife ever again: "we never just talk anymore."
If man and woman both loved sports, they'd never shut up! They'd have conversations more interesting than a David Mamet movie with French subtitles! Rather than the normal trap of "Sweetie, do you think I'm as skinny as I was when we met?" you'd have a goldmine of questions like "If you and I were on the same team, where we would bat in the order, respectively?" and "If we were a QB-WR combo, who would we be?" The essence of these questions is as relevant to a relationship as "Where do you see this going?" but look how much more interesting they become when they are in the context of sports. And that's just the dinner/coffee banter. The sexual innuendos would tip the scales.
"How's the arm, ace? Think you can give me a complete game tonight?"
"Baby, let's play two."
"Are you a power back or a finesse back?"
"Girl, I'm like the '88 Raiders. I can juke like Marcus Allen and stiff-arm like Bo Jackson."
We all know about Make-Up Sex, but can you grasp the earth-shattering lovemaking that would follow a mutually enjoyed Game 7 in the Bronx?! World Series Sex! The Rams-Titans Superbowl would have brought us The Greatest Sex On Turf! And it works both ways, the delirium and the misery. Say you and your woman have just seen your team swept out of the playoffs by your archrival. You're both going to feel like dirt, but at least you won't have to explain it to each other. You can piss and moan and cry in your beers together. Well, you can cry in your beer and she can cry in her cosmopolitan. You get my point.
If women loved sports, men would have no reason to lie, cheat, or steal. Okay, so that's going too far, but is there any doubt that we'd live longer and happier lives, both literally and in our relationships with women? It's actually cruel to even entertain such questions because even the most hopeful of young men realize one simple truth, dateable women will never love sports.
Consider this Part One on the subject, The Pros. Part Two will be, you guessed it, The Cons. In the meantime, tawk amongst yourselves.
# posted by j.h.k. @ 6:17 PM 
