Friday, May 13, 2005
Freestyle
I haven't posted in a while and I don't really have time to put together an actual column so I'm just gonna bust it freestyle today. I wouldn't want to lose my loyal readership for a lack of posting.
--It's important to have goals in life. As of this morning, I have set a new one for myself regarding my career. It's not so much about a certain job I want to attain or a certain salary, it's just about status...the status that brings the luxury of privacy. That's right, I am declaring it as my goal for all to see, I want to have my own bathroom. There's something kind of fun about the morning routine of drinking coffee. There's a comraderie when, first thing in the morning, everybody's huddled around the 'ol Mr. Coffee machine. Unfortunately, there is a flipside to this record. Everybody drinking coffee at the same time means everybody's coffee kicks in at the same time. As a man who requires near total privacy to carry out certain necessary biological processes, this can be very frustrating. There are few things more aggravating than walking into a restroom and seeing feet already showing beneath the stall doors. It's gotten so that I have noticed a pattern of potty patronage. There is indeed a restroom rush hour between the hours of 10 and 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. and 4. It pains me to know this. If I had my own bathroom, I would be oblivious to the goings on of the public facilities and could devote more brain space to remembering conversations I had with my best friends only a week prior. I have to think my work would improve. Certainly my efficiency would seeing as how I would no longer lose time to several "failed missions" throughout the day. Perhaps I should talk to Human Resources about this. I think I've built a pretty strong case, don't you?
--So now Dan Le Batard is the latest sports/media personality to play the race card which, as far as cards go, is apparently wild. You can use it anytime, anywhere.
I have a theory about this....Whenever anything significant happens in basketball, be it a proposed new rule or a major award, the entire NBA and relevant media get together and play a huge game of Old Maid worthy of the Guiness Book. Whoever gets stuck with the old maid at the end has to say the quote or write the column about how race may have factored in, most of the time with the only support being the observation that the affected party is a member of any race. I guess we know who lost the latest game.
What I want to know is where is the Bald Community in this whole thing? Why isn't anyone pointing out that Nash has long, flowing locks while Shaq is a bald man? The NBA is so freaking hairist, I swear.
--Joe and I were talking recently about devising an Angel broadcast drinking game. Here's a partial list of the standard events that would signify a drink:
1) Physioc comparing Dallas McPherson to David Ortiz and Vladimir Guerrero by saying DMC had more extra base hits last year than both of them, albeit in the minor leagues (think if he knew how many I hit, albeit on my PS2)
2) Mention of Darin Erstad's Gold Glove(s)
3) Mention of Vladdy's MVP
4) Some sort of sales pitch about Orlando Cabrerra
5) Praising of the Angels' "agressive" offense
6) Mention of the value of Chone Figgins last year
7) Rex referring to players by nicknames (King Fish, Fin, AK)
8) Physioc describing a pitch as "right down Broadway"
9) Rex explaining fundamental baseball to Physioc and Steve just not getting it
I'm sure anyone who's watched two games can add a few more
--I've got another theory that Scoop Jackson doesn't actually write his columns. I think he dictates them verbally while doing something else, Mark Cuban style. No proofreading, no second draft, just off-the-collar holler as he's running on the treadmill, making cookies, or doing a crossword puzzle. I ain't hatin' on my boy ScooJack though. Anybody that's cool with KG, KB, JKidd, Diesel, and LBJ is straight wit me. I'll bet he's even got his own bathroom.
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--It's important to have goals in life. As of this morning, I have set a new one for myself regarding my career. It's not so much about a certain job I want to attain or a certain salary, it's just about status...the status that brings the luxury of privacy. That's right, I am declaring it as my goal for all to see, I want to have my own bathroom. There's something kind of fun about the morning routine of drinking coffee. There's a comraderie when, first thing in the morning, everybody's huddled around the 'ol Mr. Coffee machine. Unfortunately, there is a flipside to this record. Everybody drinking coffee at the same time means everybody's coffee kicks in at the same time. As a man who requires near total privacy to carry out certain necessary biological processes, this can be very frustrating. There are few things more aggravating than walking into a restroom and seeing feet already showing beneath the stall doors. It's gotten so that I have noticed a pattern of potty patronage. There is indeed a restroom rush hour between the hours of 10 and 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. and 4. It pains me to know this. If I had my own bathroom, I would be oblivious to the goings on of the public facilities and could devote more brain space to remembering conversations I had with my best friends only a week prior. I have to think my work would improve. Certainly my efficiency would seeing as how I would no longer lose time to several "failed missions" throughout the day. Perhaps I should talk to Human Resources about this. I think I've built a pretty strong case, don't you?
--So now Dan Le Batard is the latest sports/media personality to play the race card which, as far as cards go, is apparently wild. You can use it anytime, anywhere.
I have a theory about this....Whenever anything significant happens in basketball, be it a proposed new rule or a major award, the entire NBA and relevant media get together and play a huge game of Old Maid worthy of the Guiness Book. Whoever gets stuck with the old maid at the end has to say the quote or write the column about how race may have factored in, most of the time with the only support being the observation that the affected party is a member of any race. I guess we know who lost the latest game.
What I want to know is where is the Bald Community in this whole thing? Why isn't anyone pointing out that Nash has long, flowing locks while Shaq is a bald man? The NBA is so freaking hairist, I swear.
--Joe and I were talking recently about devising an Angel broadcast drinking game. Here's a partial list of the standard events that would signify a drink:
1) Physioc comparing Dallas McPherson to David Ortiz and Vladimir Guerrero by saying DMC had more extra base hits last year than both of them, albeit in the minor leagues (think if he knew how many I hit, albeit on my PS2)
2) Mention of Darin Erstad's Gold Glove(s)
3) Mention of Vladdy's MVP
4) Some sort of sales pitch about Orlando Cabrerra
5) Praising of the Angels' "agressive" offense
6) Mention of the value of Chone Figgins last year
7) Rex referring to players by nicknames (King Fish, Fin, AK)
8) Physioc describing a pitch as "right down Broadway"
9) Rex explaining fundamental baseball to Physioc and Steve just not getting it
I'm sure anyone who's watched two games can add a few more
--I've got another theory that Scoop Jackson doesn't actually write his columns. I think he dictates them verbally while doing something else, Mark Cuban style. No proofreading, no second draft, just off-the-collar holler as he's running on the treadmill, making cookies, or doing a crossword puzzle. I ain't hatin' on my boy ScooJack though. Anybody that's cool with KG, KB, JKidd, Diesel, and LBJ is straight wit me. I'll bet he's even got his own bathroom.
# posted by j.h.k. @ 10:41 AM 
